Citizens, Remain Calm - The Terror Alert is Perfectly Normal
In fact, they're better than ever

The old bogus alert were always so non-specific. They were taking on a boogyman undertone. We were getting numb to them. These new terror alerts are much better.

The administration is listening to the populace, who were demanding more specific terror alerts. In fact, we found the alerts last week downright comical.

Nothing suspect about these new alerts at all. OH MY GOD, THEY'RE COMING! NO REALLY! THIS TIME THEY'RE REALLY COMING! SEE, LOOK, OVER THERE. AAAAAGH!

Aha, scared ya that time, didn't we? Nothing suspect about these alerts whatsoever.