A Nation of Usama's bitches
Or; How I learned to stop worrying and love the color orange.

With the latest elevation in the Terror Alert Level (tm), the fifth since the September 11th attacks, Tom Ridge and John Ashcroft have once again graphically demonstrated how they have pimped the nation out to Usama and his crew. I don't know about you, but when my ass gets sold I want more than a brightly colored square in the corner of the TV set - hell, throw me a pack of Marlboro's or something.

On this occasion, as in the past four, we are informed that the elevated level is due to increased 'communications chatter'. This indicates that we are at the highest threat since September 11th, just like the last four times. This 'communications chatter' may or may not be encrypted, may or may not be understood, and may or may not pertain to new attacks. However, suspected al-Qaeda leadership is talking more than usual - and that can't be good. So the level gets bumped, the malls loose some last minute business, we burn a billion dollars a week, and a bunch more people go on Zoloft. And this happens why, exactly? Because al-Qaeda finally got that corporate rate at AT&T Wireless and each manager has 1200 minutes to burn?

The creation and world-wide reporting of a Terror Alert Level (tm) provides an easy mechanism for the measurement of success in creating fear, an instant feedback mechanism that allows the manipulation of the American psyche and economy. It's like a global terrorist applause-O-meter, and they can watch the colored boxes on CNN from the comfort of any South Florida sports bar - and raise the level by drunk dialing ex-girlfriends in Syria. If we think that Usama and gang haven't figured this out, we are deluding ourselves. As a group of fugitives running from the richest and most technology savvy country in the history of the world, they have to assume that their communications are monitored and compromised. Making that assumption, there are two obvious courses of action for the Jihad-ist on the run; (1) don't use electronic communications for anything important without the implementation of a one-time pad cipher system or code book and (2) use the knowledge that your pursuer is conducting traffic analysis as a tool of misdirection.

So, while I'm standing at the airport with my shoes in an x-ray bin and my pants around my ankles (because that Kenneth Cole belt _really_ could be a Stinger missile) Usama Bin Muhammad Bin Ladin is using a sat phone from a camp in Pakistan.

Usama: ' Wazzzzzup....'
Saif al-Adel: 'Wazzzup.....'
Abu Musab Zarqawi: 'Wazzzzzzzzuppppp......'
....
....
NSA Analyst: 'Sir, we are reporting increased communications chatter
from operation X012 in sectors 14 and 28....'
....
....
Transportation Security Administration employee: 'Please take off
your shoes and put them in the X-Ray machine....'

(If this is globalization, I for one don't like it one bit.)

The problem with writing a piece like this is that at some point, something will happen that will make me look callous or uninformed. Let me make this clear - I am not trying to make light of the threat. We are still vulnerable, and as a free nation we always will be. The threat is still real and dangerous, and possibly always will be in some form or another. We will be attacked again, no one knows when or where or how, but innocent people will die and we as a nation will mourn. But instead of a terror warning level let's just get this out of the way once and for all - EVERYONE, REPEAT AFTER ME: Keep aware of your surroundings, notify the authorities if appropriate, and bum rush anyone who gets within 10 feet of the cockpit door. We, as a nation of individuals, don't really need to know the volume of terrorist radio communications - there is fuck-all we can do about it. If we all just keep a base level of awareness we can ignore the CNN creep, and regain some control and dignity in the process.

Have a safe and happy holiday --